Archive for category Movies
A movie in 100 words: Apocalypse Now
No, I don’t watch a movie every weekend, but I did manage to eek out enough time last Friday for another screening. Unfortunately, Netflix has yet to see fit to bestow Underworld: Awakening upon me.
Sad vampire/werewolf-less Puddin is sad.
Luckily, though, I thought, then, that this would be an excellent time to redress a serious and notable absence in my movie-viewing history. I’d recently put Francis Ford Coppola’s Vietnam War epic, Apocalypse Now at the top of my queue, and you know what they say, “if you can’t watch the campy vampire movie you love, love the war movie you’re with”.
Errr…something.
Anyway. Yes, yes. I know, I know. There’s really no plausible excuse for having reach 39 years of age and not having seen this already. Hell, it one of Those Movies You’re Supposed to See. And I’ve got a pretty solid record of seeing Those Movies You’re Supposed to See.
Just don’t hold it against me, eh?
Oddly enough, having seen it now, I’m happy to concede that I could have gone the rest of my life without seeing it and not felt a terrible, cold emptiness eating away at me.
Apocalypse Now – I understand why people fawn all over this one and I believe there’s an interesting movie hidden somewhere inside Coppola’s work, like the toy in a box of Trix. But, well, I’ll be damned if I found it. Sure, it succeeded in portraying the insanity and hopelessness of war—especially in Vietnam—and explored darkness in the human soul, but does that need to take three hours? Worse, I just never become invested in any of the characters. Ultimately, it felt like watching a stranger’s vacation slides from a nude beach. That is, I was mostly bored and slightly uncomfortable.
I guess if you have three hours of your life to waste and enjoy being either bored, slightly uncomfortable, or both, this is the movie for you. But I don’t think I’ll be seeing this on again.
No matter what the smell of napalm in the morning smells like.
Pud’n
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A movie in a 100 Words: The Rum Diary
I’m flat-out itchy (in a completely safe and non-creepy way) to watch the latest Underworld movie, Underworld: Awakening, because
- Kate Beckinsale, duh,
- Kate Beckinsale in shiny black pleather, ooo!,
- I loves me some vampire/werewolf shenanigans, and
- Historically, my taste in motion pictures is entirely questionable
I wrestled with the idea of plunking down the $5.99 and pay-per-viewing it this past weekend. But, even with my thumb finger poised over the “Select” key on my remote, that annoyingly self-righteous, cheap-bastard voice that I usually keep stuffed in the dark, cobwebby recesses of my mind-void refused to stop muttering about my Netflix queue. 
Because Underworld: Awakening is sitting, all shiny and tempting, at the very top of it.
Why drop the cash when I very easily could just receive it in the mail from a service I already pay for.
In other words, even though I have the patience of a toddler eyeing the cake on his/her birthday, skinflintiness (shut up, it is so a word) apparently takes precedence.
So I clicked the safety on for my pay-per-view ordering thumb and chose Option B: Curmudgeonly Tightwad Views One of the Netflix DVDs Already In Hand.
I had Apocalypse Now and The Rum Diary. Yes, I have the two-at-a-time subscription. Because sometimes Life demands options.
My selection process Saturday night was pretty simple: I asked myself if I was feeling particularly depressive.
I wasn’t. The Rum Diary it was.
Without further adieu, then,
The Rum Diary – I liked this movie more than I expected to, honestly. As a Hunter S. Thompson fan, I expected that I would like it, at least somewhat, but didn’t figure I’d be on it like a fanboy on a replica light saber. While I still didn’t go geek-gasm over it, I enjoyed it more than Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas*. Not only is it entertaining, the movie provides some insight into Thompson before he became Hunter S. Thompson. For me, it was comforting to see he once had the same questions and self-doubts all of us writers seem to have.
So, you know, check it out. Or don’t. Whatever.
The truly important thing to take away from this is that I sent a DVD back to Netflix today.
Wish me lucking getting the top movie in my queue.
Mmmmm…vampire movies.
Pud’n
*I’m referring strictly to the film version here. I wasn’t gaga over Fear and Loathing the movie simply because it wasn’t the book. Usually I have no problem separating the film and written versions of something and treating them individually, but this case, I just couldn’t do it.
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Summer movies in 100 words or less (3x)
I was planning a pointed-yet-topical post today to give voice to an issue that we all give too little thought to these days (and no, that subject is not “Is flame-broiling really a bunch of marketing BS or what?) But I spent all day at a customer site and then 3 hours at a little league game. I’m tired, there’s a Bastard in the fridge waiting for me, and I’ve got a shiny DVD wrapped in a red envelope sitting beside my TV.
So, I think maybe I’ll spare everyone (myself included) the heavy issues tonight.
Don’t worry, though, we can talk “sprinkles” vs “jimmies” later.
Speaking of DVDs, this weekend is the last weekend in April, which means that next weekend will be the first weekend in May. And everyone knows what May means, right?
That’s right, boys and girls, it’s Summer Movie season!
What’s that? Yeah, I know summer doesn’t technically start until June. Shush, you.
The question on everyone’s mind at list point, obviously, is, “What will Puddin see this summer?”
Well, let’s assume for a moment that I’m not actually a cheap, agoraphobe more likely to draw cave paintings with my own ick on the cavern walls of my sprawling modern hermitage than visit a cinema. Yes, indeed, it is possible that I’ll pay real, US-minted currency to see one, or more, of the fancy summertime flicks coming out this year. In fact, based on the season’s release list, I’d definitely put my money on the “or more” there.
Rome was not burned in a day, though. So let’s be kind of reasonable and limit the number of flicks seen in person to three.
What three summer films will I catch this year?
Well, that’s surprisingly easy to answer:
The Avengers – If, for even a second, you entertained the possibility that I’d miss a movie with a whole barrel of kick-ass Marvel superheroes doing, you know, kick-ass superhero stuff, well, you obviously made the mistake of assuming I grew up somewhere along the way. Allow me to assure you that I did no such thing. Look, I’d pay money to see this, salivating at the potential nerdgasm, under any circumstances. Even if they let Michael Bay make it and blow up Megan Fox again for no good reason. But, no, they got Joss Whedon, King of the Nerds to make this movie right. Oh, momma, I. Am. In.
The Dark Knight Rises – I’m embarrassed to admit it, but I didn’t see Batman Begins in the theater. That was back in the early phases of Puddin’s stops-paying-through-the-nose-for-movies, and somehow missed it. And I’ve been ashamed ever since. I certainly did not miss The Dark Knight, and consider this chronicle’s rendition of Batman the best ever. I mean, dark, brooding, crazy but maybe only just enough crazy? It’s everything I ever hoped for in a Batman while growing up suffering with Adam West. Honestly, I almost don’t want July to come because I’m going to be sad at the end of Nolan’s Batman production run.
Prometheus – Um. Aliens prequel, kinda, sorta? Yes, please. You know what, never mind that. Watch the trailer below; it says everything. Oh, and also? It’s got Charlize Theron. We covered this, right? Yeah. And even better than watching her do tax-related paperwork is seeing her in a sci-fi film.
That, then, is my summer time movie dance card. What about yours? What are you planning to see? Do tell!
Pud’n
A movie in 100 words or less (3x)
This is not going to come as big news to regular readers, but I like movies. I even used to like to go to the theater to see movies—and still do, for the popcorn if nothing else—but you know, $10 a ticket and concession prices inflated a thousand percent makes the risk of dropping serious cash on a disappointing film more likely than seeing septuagenarians at the 4:30 Early Bird dinner special at Del Boca Vista.
For comparison, my recliner is cost-free and is already conveniently imprinted with my, um, specific posterior anatomical outline*. So there’s that. Oh, and the beer selection at la Casa de Puddin is typically superior to the movie theater options in the “VIP” seats.
So, while I still go to the movies once, maybe twice, a year (Avengers, anyone?), for the most part, I’m getting my money’s worth out of my home theater. So I got that going for me, which is nice.
Over the past week or so, I’ve been churning the ole Blu-Ray pretty good, and for once, I actually have opinions about all the films I’ve seen (which isn’t always the case—often times, my reaction is, ‘Eh, it wasn’t great, but Movie X entertained me’).
Unfortunately, when I have an opinion about something and set out to lay it down on paper, you poor readers have to clear your afternoon schedules to make time for the Dostoevsky-ian tome of rambling I generate.
Exhibit A: I’m 250 words into this “movie review” post, and I still haven’t even named the movies yet. Yes, your welcome.
Shall we see, then, if I can fit my thoughts about each of the films in question into 100 words-or-less? It’ll be fun!
Hey, I heard you roll your eyes from here. I can too do it!
Let’s begin.
Young Adult (2011, Charlize Theron, Patrick Wilson, Patton Oswalt)
I normally heart Charlize Theron. Seriously, I’d watch her fill out life insurance paperwork. But this was supposed to be a dark comedy. Now, I like to think that I’ve got a sense of humor, but there really just wasn’t anything funny here. Plenty of dark, oh yes. But even Patton Oswalt was too awkwardly pathetic to get a grin. Honestly, I was uncomfortable through the whole thing. That said, props to Ms. Theron, who played her terrifyingly pitiful part convincingly. Yep, girl can act; they should give her an award or something.
Contagion (2011, Matt Damon, Kate Winslet, Jude Law, Gwyneth Paltrow)
I guess Contagion was supposed to be a thriller? I don’t know. To it me was one part mystery, one part procedural, one part family drama, and several parts ‘meh’. Look, I’m not a difficult moviegoer to appease. Give me 90-120 minutes of entertainment and I’m happy, no matter how ridiculous your plot or wooden your characters. Hell, my belief suspends better than a buxom girl over a table at a Great Fakereni magic show. But this thing was so all-over-the place I just couldn’t get invested in any of the characters. I’ve cared more about broken shoe laces.
The Descendants (2011, George Clooney, Shailene Woodley)
Embarrassing admission: I like George Clooney**. He’s local, was often seen at Edna’s Edibles, and seems pretty laid back. That said, in a movie, I rarely forget he’s Clooney. Also, family drama in Hawaii? I prefer my fiction escapist and my Hawaii, well, 5-0, thankyouverymuch. So I wasn’t expecting to love The Descendants. But, damn, this movie’s solid. While emotional, it was somehow never too depressing, and even had the occasional lightheartedness Young Adult should’ve had. Clooney disappeared into the lost father whose family life is circling the drain and somehow got me to care about him and his family.
Look at that! I did it! W00t! Three movies in 100 words or less each! Cue up the Dora the Explorer song.
So what did you think of these movies? I’d love to hear, and I’ve got that comment button down there for a reason, you know. Use it!
Anyway, that’s it for me. have a good weekend. I’ll be catching some little league and Tinker Tailor Soldier Spy while trying to keep that rascally Swiper the Fox from stealing all of my blueberries.
Or, um, popcorn. Or something.
Pud’n
*Read: Ass-crease
**We shall not speak of the Batman and that, um, bird travesty. Like Highlander 2, in my mind it never existed. Also, and for the record, Clooney is not an action guy and should not attempt action roles under any circumstances.
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Do you like scary movies?
For some reason, I always end up contemplating dropping a Big Opinion Post at the worst possible time(s), and honestly, I don’t know what gets into me when thinking about it. For one thing, with a few rare exceptions, I don’t really do that kind of bloggery. That’s not to say I couldn’t or shouldn’t, though. Admittedly, I do often have opinions about the matters of the day, some of which I might even be willing to debate. And nothing ramps up blog traffic like taking a blustery, public stand on something and then getting into a little brouhaha over it in comments.
It is, then, occasionally tempting to throw out something like:
I’d rather vote Nixon than for any of the the current Republican idiots!
or…
The Phantom Menace was the awesomest of all the Star Wars movies!
And then ramble on about the topic, for seven or eight hundred words including the obligatory enumerated list (obviously).
That’s not really what you come here for, though, is it? Come to think of it, I’m not sure why you come here—I suppose everyone has their own inexplicable bad habits. Anyway, it’s Friday. Starting a troll-war on a Friday is just bad for business. Also, I’m feeling tired and lazy today, even more tired and lazy than the my standard “as-perky-as-a-bottle-of-molasses-from-the-fridge”. Why is that? Well, I’m glad you asked. My recreational hockey team, in what can only be seen as a clear Sign of Apocalyptic Doom, skated to a 6-0 win and our first ever league championship last night.
As you can probably guess, I was up late, um, cheering and what-not.
So instead, let’s talk about scary movies.
Earlier today, someone I follow on twitter confessed to never having seen the movie Poltergeist. Cleary, this is an issue that requires correction at earliest possible moment. Sure, I’m willing to allow that not everyone is into thriller/horror movies (more on that in a second), but…
- Everyone needs to hear Tangina the spirit medium pronounce that “This house is…” Well, I won’t spoil it, but once you hear her say it, you’ll hear that phrase in your head exactly the way she says it, for, like, ever.
- The movie’s got cute kids afraid of stuff that goes bump (or worse) in the middle of the night. Who can’t identify with that?
- Craig T. Nelson; “Coach” in a ghost story movie. That’s money right there.
If you haven’t seen Poltergeist, get a friend or a something, maybe rent one if necessary or adopt a dog, pop up a big bowl of popcorn, and try not to grimace at the Chinese takeout noodles*.
Oddly enough, though, after proselytizing about the film’s virtues on twitter, I realized something: I don’t really do horror movies anymore myself.
I certainly used to like horror/thriller/slasher movies. I think I watched all the Friday the 13th films back-to-back one summer when I was, I don’t know, 11** years old. But now that I’m an adult and stuff, I rarely go for the obvious thriller-or-killer ones. So what changed? Is it that now surrounded by the trappings of (capital “L”) Life I look for more escapist nonsense and not something that could potentially cause worry?
I doubt it. The “Saw” movies are every bit as much fantasy as the “X-Men” ones. Or let’s take the Friday the 13ths; not much reality to get bogged down on in a movie about an seemingly immortal serial hacker (of the “ax” rather than “PC virus” variety) that never runs, rarely misses a victim, and wears a beat-up flannel shirt and an old school hockey mask.
Huh. Come to think of it, putting it like that makes Jason Vorhees sound like the original hipster. I wonder how he feels about PBR.
Anyway, I think that in my case two things probably worked together to cause my disinterest in the scary movie genre. First, I’m old now. Seems like scary movies tend to generally resonate with the younger kids than us old fogies, although I’m not sure why. And frankly, being a Friday, I don’t think I’m going to dwell on it too long.
Second, and this is probably the more significant reason: a movie finally scared the holy living hell out of me. Yes, that’s right, I haven’t been the same since I saw The Exorcism of Emily Rose.
I’m not sure what exactly made that one stick with me years later, while I so easily brushed off all the other scary flicks I’ve seen in the course of life. But something about it really, truly disturbed me. I’ll even confess that sometimes, after turning off the lights and heading upstairs to bed in a dark house, my feet seem to move a little quicker than usual—of their own accord, of course—as I climb the stairs. And should I happen to wake up for some reason at 3:00 AM, I have to remind myself that I’m not likely to be visited by shadowy demons before I go back to sleep.
I don’t know. Maybe my interest in the horror movie will return one day. Then again, maybe I’ll just keep being a pansy until I’m dressing in Depends and railing at the staff in “the home” to bring me another damn beer and a crossword.
What about you? Do you like scary movies? Have you always liked them or did you like them once but find nowadays that they don’t really keep your sea vessel buoyant**? Let’s chat a bit about them, eh?
Either way, though, you need to see Poltergeist. Yes, you do. Right now, if possible.
Think of the children!
And remember, (Tangina the Medium voice) this post is…oh, wait, no spoilers.
Pud’n
*The ones in the movie. Hopefully, if you have your own Chinese takeout noodles you don’t need to grimace at them.
**Can I get a woot-woot for late night movies on cable movie channels in the 80s?
***This is not a subtle reference to ED medication, by the way
A little more on Waiting, plus (bonus) Breaking Dawn, Part I
The Puddinette, being wise and smart and, well, Just. Plain. Awesome, pointed out to me last night that I had unintentionally trod upon ground long ago surveyed by Dr. Seuss. The good doctor, by the way, is a personal hero of mine. And I don’t mean like, it’d be kinda cool if he gave me a stinky, bloody, grass-stained, game-worn football jersey in exchange for a bottle of Coca-Cola. I mean that he sits so high upon a pedestal in my mind that the ancient Babylonians, when attempting to build their tower, didn’t spec it tall enough to reach up there.
Is that laying it on a bit thick? Hey, look, everybody’s got role models. Mine just happens to have had a wonderful imagination and made up nonsense words. I say that’s better than being held in great esteem for the ability to score points or make music while abusing either women or controlled substances.
But I digress…
Anyway, in one of my favorite and perhaps most meaningful of his works, Oh, the Places You’ll Go, Dr. Seuss gave us this.
:
You can get so confused
that you’ll start in to race
down long wiggled roads at a break-necking pace
and grind on for miles across weirdish wild space,
headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place……for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a string of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting.NO!
That’s not for you!Somehow you’ll escape
all that waiting and staying.
You’ll find the bright places
where Boom Bands are playing.
*squeals with fanboy delight*
Ahem. What I mean to say, there, is that if you ask me, it’s pretty cool I happened to lay down the same basic idea he did, independently and years later. If only I’d written it so well.
Speaking of wishing things were written a bit better, I watched The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part I last night, which is nearly as big a mouthful as the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim. Sadly, I’m betting the baseball team is more exciting.
And we all know that baseball can be the dullest sport on Earth sometimes, with the possible exception of televised bowling, right?
Why did I subject myself to that on a Thursday night, you ask? Well, I’d had a good day so I was in the mood for a beer or two and a movie, and hey, look, there it was, ready on my DirecTV Cinema playlist. It was either that or something certifiably terrible like A Very Harold And Kumar Christmas. I don’t, um, smoke, and Christmas is, well, over, so that wasn’t hitting me in the sweet, tickly spot, if you know what I mean.
Of course, glittery, uh, vampires, don’t usually either, but if you’ll recall, I do have a personal responsibility to watch the entire “saga”. Also, I figured if I fell asleep, as I’m wont to do, I could just pretend I saw the whole thing and call it day.
Surprisingly, I did manage to stay awake the whole time.
But not because the movie was really all that compelling.
I expect that I’m going to take a bunch of crap for this, but Breaking Dawn just wasn’t terribly impressive. I will admit that I thought it had potential, but after sitting through the thing, I felt like I should go make one of those funny posters that says something like, “Renehenesamumblecoughixpialadocious (or whatever): It’s a baby, not a 118-minute plotline”
I mean, I suppose watching a recently married and newly knocked-up 18 year-old waste away as her progeny devours her life is possibly entertaining to some, but I figure those people already have 16 and Pregnant DVR’d. No reason to make an entire movie about it.
The film needed an Andre the Giant-sized dollop of additional conflict. Sure, there’s some weak effort at in the whole Jacob vs his pack thing and, of course, the glittery set against the overgrown growlers, but neither was really set up to any degree. It seemed like those adversarial positions were just suddenly there, and the viewer was expected to go along for the ride. Which kind of lost me, because didn’t the wolves and the shiny, sparkly Cullen people play nice against the mean vampires just one movie ago?
The thing is, I get what they were going for, but the whole thing felt too much like it was made with the book readers predominantly in mind. Guess what? I haven’t read the books. So, yes, I felt some underlying tugs of what was supposed to be going on, but it all seemed glossed-over at best.
And as Part I of a theoretical two-part adventure, I would assume you’d lay some groundwork for the upcoming film when you could. You know, kind of prime the pump and get Suzy Moviegoer all a-twitter for the next one? In other words, at the end of the this one, I totally should have been, “Oh, dude, I’m all tingly in my cockle parts and can’t wait to see the next one to find out what happens with blabbity-blah-blah”. At this point, though, if something else is supposed to happen to blabbity-blah-blah, I don’t really care. The series could be over as far as I’m concerned.
Which seems an odd way to end a “Part I”.
I guess maybe the two are entwined somehow with one overarching plotline and conflict. If so, though, I missed it completely. At the end, all I thought was, “Whoopee, more sparkly people with makeup that ends at their neck.”
The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part I wasn’t awful, but it could have been better. Hopefully Part II will deliver more compelling plot points and conflict.
Now then, fangirls and boys, flame away. My comments are at your disposal.
Pud’n
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