All I can really say is salty! Or salzig, as I was writing this post while drinking a Bohemian Pilsner beer at Hofbrauhaus Newport and had access to German friends. I know that isn’t the correct usage or grammar, but I learned a new word. So with our new German word, salzig, let’s take a look at US Chili.

I have never been to US Chili in Camp Washington and even though I am writing a post about it, I still have never been there. The reason for that is simple: their hours. I assume the place is mostly a breakfast-lunch joint and that is why they don’t have hours in the evening. Even on Saturday they close around 2 and they aren’t even open on Sunday. So I knew this would be a challenge this month. With my work schedule and my weekend sleeping in schedule I wasn’t sure what to do.

That’s where my friend Jenny, who was at the first “seeking of the ways” stop with me, saved the day. She volunteered to pick up the chili and bring it to me for lunch. It was a really, really, hot day so she dropped the food off to me at work, instead of us finding a place to go eat it. I could get used to this. I got a text and went downstairs and picked up my lunch. Like wouldn’t it be nice tomorrow to have someone send you a text and you just step out of your air conditioned building lobby for one minute to get the food? OK, maybe places deliver, but it was nice for a second to think I came up with idea. And, yes, I know I can take my own lunch to work.

Jenny must have felt guilty about the portion size because she wanted to give me a cheese coney too. She opened the bag and showed me a small cup with chili with a large condiment size of onions and another of hot sauce. I’m not a big eater, so I just took the chili and chili accessories. She told me the place really was a dump and it’s a good thing we didn’t go in to eat. I’ve seen US Chili from the outside before and kind of like the building that it is in. And it must be really difficult to have the chili parlor across the street expand and continue to be pretty successful. So I guess I’m feeling a little pity for US Chili.

Back at my desk and time to prepare my 4-way onion. I noticed there was no plate or bowl in the bag. Luckily we had a few paper plates in the office. After a couple of photos I poured the chili onto the plate (and evidently I forgot to take any photos of it on the plate.) It held more chili than I thought. The spaghetti was large but not as large as the spaghetti at Empress Chili in Alexandria. The chili was a dark brown, kind of the color of mock turtle soup (and maybe turtle soup, too, never had it). I like mock turtle soup. Maybe this won’t be so bad. I added about half of the bag of oyster crackers that were very thin. At least there were a bunch of crackers in the bag as opposed to the amount given by other chili parlors. The cheese was melted as it got to ride a few miles from Camp Washington to downtown on one of the hottest days of the year. The onions looked fresh and you could tell they were chopped by hand. So it looked like other Cincinnati chili, except slightly darker in color.

First taste: salty. Second taste: salty with a bit of spice. I can forgive a restaurant for a lack of flavor that needs salt. I don’t rate them well, but at least I can make the food palatable. But food with too much salt? There is no way that I know to overcome that. I continued to eat and if I could taste anything past the salt it was just an OK chili with a medium amount of spice. I decided to add some of the hot sauce from the large container they gave me. The hot sauce seemed like a watered down cocktail sauce with a hint of Tabasco sauce. Guess what? The hot sauce didn’t make a bit of difference. It made it a tad hotter, but not any better. The onions were fine and the cheese was very mild.

I wound up eating about half of the chili. Luckily, I didn’t get sick from it, which is great because I had been gassy all morning. In fact, for whatever reason, the gas went away. Overall I’d rate it a 1 out of 5 (maybe a 1.5 for getting rid of my gas).

[Pudn's note: The author of this Puddintopia contributor post, Crankybear, aka Tom, is actually the 'Tom' half of Tom and Carla, the couple that created and maintain Hoperatives.com.  He's the one who rather infamously offered me the chance to ramble incoherently over there from time to time instead of wasting all my rants here.  I was and continue to be honored with the opportunity to write for them, and I'm likewise both honored and very fortunate that he decided to chime in on our 3-way quest.]

Any town worth a damn has at least one set of rival restaurants. In Philly it’s Pat’s and Geno’s for cheesesteaks. In Detroit it’s American Coney Island and Lafayette Coney Island for chili dogs. In Cincinnati it’s complicated because:

• It seems like every Indian restaurant with a name that starts with an ‘A’ hates all the others that start with ‘A.’ There have apparently been actual assassination attempts. That’s hardcore.
• The rivalry between Skyline and Gold Star is epic. I remember it being a bit more strident 10 years ago, but I’m fairly sure each would be OK with the other suddenly disappearing.
• Cincinnatians are champion grudge-keepers and I suspect there are rivalries around town that are so old and obscure at least one of the parties isn’t even aware the rivalry exists.

I don’t remember any of the details (and don’t really care to), but I’ve always understood that there’s a rivalry between U.S. Chili and Camp Washington Chili, two old-school chili parlors located right across Hopple Street from one another. When the call went out for this month’s 3-Way Thursday and U.S. Chili was chosen (anointed?), I have to admit that my first thought was “Oh, it’s the place that isn’t Camp Washington Chili.” I’ve eaten at Camp Washington a lot (though breakfast is when I’m likely to be in the area). I’ve seen U.S. Chili. I knew it was there, but I’d never been in.

I’m glad I’ve remedied that gap in my life experience. I have a feeling there are people who’ve been to U.S. Chili a lot who’ve never ventured across the street to “that other place.” There’s more than a street dividing the two places. I think it’s a mindset.

U.S. Chili is timeworn to the point of timelessness. A lot of people have passed through those doors. There are scuff marks on the floor that will never come out and memories that will never be remembered, The tables and chairs stoically persevere because they don’t know how to do anything else. There’s a massive vault door set in one wall that seems to say “I’ve been here a long time and I’ll be here a long time” and everything else in the place has decided to follow its example. The newest thing in the place is the young lady behind the counter. She was friendly, efficient and attentive with the nice-sized lunch crowd she took care of when I was there.

Come to think of it, the food is newer because they make it every day. That’s why people people keep coming though the doors.

So how was the chili? My usual disclaimer holds: I get a 4-way with onions because that’s what I always order and I don’t want to put any of the places we’re trying at a disadvantage because I think “…something is missing.” That being said, my answer is … complicated. From a pure taste perspective, U.S. Chili is easily the best I’ve had so far in our adventure. The chili was fragrant with the aroma of spices that might be cinnamon and allspice and, unlike our past locations, the taste built off the aroma without a letdown. It wasn’t overly spicy. I took a couple of bites to make sure I had a bead on the flavor and then I was reaching for the hot sauce to give it a bit of a kick. It only took a few drops, I’m happy to report, and I could still taste the chili.

All was not perfect, however. The liquid-to-solid ratio was … strange. The liquid was runny and the meat was clumping together and they seemed to be just tolerating each other like the heroes in the first half hour of a two-mismatched-souls-thrown-together buddy movie. It all mixed together fine, but the initial appearance was odd. The cheese seemed stiffer somehow than the usual cheddar, but it tasted just fine. The onions weren’t diced finely, but that’s OK by me. The oyster crackers were, in a word, awful. When I go back — and I probably will — I won’t bother to open the packages. The only flavor they had seemed to be just the slightest hint of staleness. It’s the only part of the whole experience where I thought there was some skimping going on.

There is nothing fancy about U.S. Chili. It’s for people who work for a living. They come through the doors for the food. The lack of artifice is just part of the deal. I doubt the vault door would allow anything fancy. I can’t be sure because it’s not talking, and everything else in the place seems to follow its lead.